Let Yourself FEEL!

Let Yourself FEEL!

Dear You, 

So often I feel like I am closed off from the world. Like there is some piece of information that everyone else go that I didn’t. And in those moments I realize that I am just figuring myself out. I`m not quite to the point of knowing who I am yet. And so I keep trudging along in this journey called life. 

I try to stay positive and keep myself motivated. I am by all means a determined person. I am driven and excited and positive when it comes to my outlook on what lies ahead in my future. But there are days when I feel down. On those crumby days I feel as tho I cam completely out of my own body. A stranger to the world and the life I am living. And as I start to slip into these thoughts of doubt and frustration, the harder I try to push myself to be positive. I won’t let myself accept the feelings of despair. And this is where I am troubled with the question, Am I keeping myself on track by trying to save myself from slipping into these thoughts and feelings, or am i robbing myself of the process of pain and healing; an opportunity to feel and to grow?

At this point I am just curious if letting myself fall either way is worth it? Is it worth feeling vulnerable? The last thing I want is to fall back into the position I started in. I have worked so hard to get to a place where I feel like no one else is in control of my life. But that is just the point. I feel like no one has control, not even me. 

I feel as tho, I have not given up control, but i have just not been using it. I have been coasting through life on autopilot. I have forced myself to become so numb to avoid the pain. I have been so numb for so long that I almost crave the pain. All I want is to feel connected. Somehow to something or to someone. I feel disconnected. A friend of mine and I used to describe it as “like I`m in a dream I can’t wake up from”. You feel like you know that you are in a dream, its not real life so you can’t control what happens but you also can’t wake yourself up from it. It`s a really odd feeling. 

I know that I need to just let go of fighting so hard and just let myself feel. Feel the hurt and let myself heal, take a chance and feel the love too. But I am scared. I am horrified. And I hate that because this is not me. I am not the girl who is afraid to love. I am the girl who does nothing BUT love. That`s why this is so confusing for me. I don`t know which way is up and which way is down. I just need some direction. I need to let go of what is holding me and find my voice. I need to let myself be free. Free to love and to hurt and to accept all of the pieces of the past that have made me who I am today.I just need to let myself FEEL. Because without feeling, am I even human? Who am I? Really