Ed Sheeran's album X takes me to a whole new place. The peacefulness and honesty of his voice brings the lyrics to life and shows me things in the depths of my mind. It forces me to explore in the unknown corners of my thoughts. It brings out a calmer and more collected piece of me, a piece I often search for in my state of anxiety. Sweet serenity ...is what he brings. His lyrics are honest, his music true, and his voice organically beautiful. He doesn't just write a good song about something he is going through, he makes you FEEL it each and every time you hear it. He pushes the boundaries and brings a unique flavor to the table. It takes a true artist to do what he has done. He has gone over and beyond what anyone could have expected. We all knew that Ed could write a hit, but did we see an album that tops charts for weeks on end and blows us away? Every single track is just pure genius and you can't help but fall in love with each one over and over again. I am beyond proud and excited for him. He deserves every bit of the attention this album is getting, if not more. Couldn't be more proud to be a Sheerio. Thank you to Ed for making such an incredible and inspiring album. You are smashing it.

Let Yourself FEEL!

Let Yourself FEEL!

Dear You, 

So often I feel like I am closed off from the world. Like there is some piece of information that everyone else go that I didn’t. And in those moments I realize that I am just figuring myself out. I`m not quite to the point of knowing who I am yet. And so I keep trudging along in this journey called life. 

I try to stay positive and keep myself motivated. I am by all means a determined person. I am driven and excited and positive when it comes to my outlook on what lies ahead in my future. But there are days when I feel down. On those crumby days I feel as tho I cam completely out of my own body. A stranger to the world and the life I am living. And as I start to slip into these thoughts of doubt and frustration, the harder I try to push myself to be positive. I won’t let myself accept the feelings of despair. And this is where I am troubled with the question, Am I keeping myself on track by trying to save myself from slipping into these thoughts and feelings, or am i robbing myself of the process of pain and healing; an opportunity to feel and to grow?

At this point I am just curious if letting myself fall either way is worth it? Is it worth feeling vulnerable? The last thing I want is to fall back into the position I started in. I have worked so hard to get to a place where I feel like no one else is in control of my life. But that is just the point. I feel like no one has control, not even me. 

I feel as tho, I have not given up control, but i have just not been using it. I have been coasting through life on autopilot. I have forced myself to become so numb to avoid the pain. I have been so numb for so long that I almost crave the pain. All I want is to feel connected. Somehow to something or to someone. I feel disconnected. A friend of mine and I used to describe it as “like I`m in a dream I can’t wake up from”. You feel like you know that you are in a dream, its not real life so you can’t control what happens but you also can’t wake yourself up from it. It`s a really odd feeling. 

I know that I need to just let go of fighting so hard and just let myself feel. Feel the hurt and let myself heal, take a chance and feel the love too. But I am scared. I am horrified. And I hate that because this is not me. I am not the girl who is afraid to love. I am the girl who does nothing BUT love. That`s why this is so confusing for me. I don`t know which way is up and which way is down. I just need some direction. I need to let go of what is holding me and find my voice. I need to let myself be free. Free to love and to hurt and to accept all of the pieces of the past that have made me who I am today.I just need to let myself FEEL. Because without feeling, am I even human? Who am I? Really

Zombie Life.
Dear You, 
   It always seems like I never have a break. There is never a pause to take a breath. Maybe it's because I never take the time. I always just push away doing things like maybe there will be a better time later. But the truth is I can't just keep putting it off. Because this is life and it's never going to pause for me. I need to just take the time and have and get things done. I can't just sit around tired all the time, waiting for something better. Something better isn't just going to come, I have to go out and get it. I just have no energy. Like I feel half asleep all throughout the day everyday. It's not normal and it's not because I don't get enough sleep because I do. I thought I was finally untangled from this web of depression but maybe I'm still caught in the middle. Maybe it's worse than before. I don't feel sad. I don't feel like crying. I don't feel like the world is ending like I used to. But i don't feel happy. I don't even feel alive. I feel like I'm just floating here, numb. Like I am merely existing, not living. All I know is I don't want to feel that way. I want to feel alive. I want to be happy and healthy. It just all seems so out of reach. Every time I take a step I get another slap in the face. It just doesn't seem worth it to me. I don't want to work my ass off to have the average American life. Why is it so easy for some and 100x harder for others? I just need energy. Give me that and I will do great things. I have the determination, I have the will, I just don't have the energy. Why has it been stolen in the first place? I just want to wake up and go through the day feeling like I am actually awake. Like for once my eyes are completely wide open and I am well rested and ready. Please. Just give it back. I don't want to live like a zombie anymore.

Afraid.

Dear You,
      I am afraid of you. I am afraid of him. I am afraid of you because of him. He took my broken heart and mended it, and for a second it felt great, and then that second was gone. He broke it worse than before he mended it. Leaving me with little pieces and little trust. And so to my best friend I lean.  But not for long. For he took the little pieces and burned what was left. And so here I am alone. I turned it off. I can't love, I can't care, and I can't cry. Alone and numb. There is nothing left of the girl I used to be. Just loneliness. So don't be mad that I am afraid of you. It is his fault. I am afraid.

Ashamed.

Dear You,
        Nobody knows that I am ashamed of who I am. People walk around and talk about me coming up with all these theories of why I am the way I am. They post it on my Facebook, they text it to me, they leave me. But what they don't know is, I am ashamed of it all. I'm ashamed that I am not who I want to be and that I am not who they thought I was before. I am ashamed that I changed, that I became depressed. I am ashamed that every damn day is an even harder struggle for me. They don't know that it is hard for me to even get out of bed in the morning. They don't know that I lay awake all night long thinking about it. They don't know how much I regret my mistakes.  I am ashamed that I have lost so many important people. I am ashamed that I have lost myself. I am ashamed of who I am.

Desires.

Dear You,
     Desires are everything. They are what define us as who we are and who we want to become. But what do you become when there is no desire? No energy or fire fueling desire. You get nothing. You get an empty question mark as of what you are and what your future holds. I am that empty question mark. I desire not to fall in love, to have a family, a job, and a house. I don't desire that standard life. I don't desire to make friends or to have lots of money. All I desire is to accept that past and free myself of the terrifying fear of it all happening again. So what do you do when you have no desire? Who are you? The truth is, I don't know who I am.

Hole hearted


Dear You, 
  No one can ever truly complete your heart. At least I think so. There is a certain point where you have to complete it yourself, make yourself happy. Their is a tiny piece in all of us that is terrified of losing that person, or that they could hurt you. A lot of sick things happen in our race and the truth of it is you will never really KNOW someone. You don't know everything that has happened in their life, you don't know how things make them think or feel. You don't know if the person you know is only a mask. And you certainly don't know if they are going to change. A split second can change everything. Therefore I think that our heart can never truly be complete. There is a hole in all of us that cannot be filled. 💔