Zombie Life.
Dear You,
It always seems like I never have a break. There is never a pause to take a breath. Maybe it's because I never take the time. I always just push away doing things like maybe there will be a better time later. But the truth is I can't just keep putting it off. Because this is life and it's never going to pause for me. I need to just take the time and have and get things done. I can't just sit around tired all the time, waiting for something better. Something better isn't just going to come, I have to go out and get it. I just have no energy. Like I feel half asleep all throughout the day everyday. It's not normal and it's not because I don't get enough sleep because I do. I thought I was finally untangled from this web of depression but maybe I'm still caught in the middle. Maybe it's worse than before. I don't feel sad. I don't feel like crying. I don't feel like the world is ending like I used to. But i don't feel happy. I don't even feel alive. I feel like I'm just floating here, numb. Like I am merely existing, not living. All I know is I don't want to feel that way. I want to feel alive. I want to be happy and healthy. It just all seems so out of reach. Every time I take a step I get another slap in the face. It just doesn't seem worth it to me. I don't want to work my ass off to have the average American life. Why is it so easy for some and 100x harder for others? I just need energy. Give me that and I will do great things. I have the determination, I have the will, I just don't have the energy. Why has it been stolen in the first place? I just want to wake up and go through the day feeling like I am actually awake. Like for once my eyes are completely wide open and I am well rested and ready. Please. Just give it back. I don't want to live like a zombie anymore.
Saturday, March 1, 2014
Thursday, January 16, 2014
Afraid.
Dear You,
I am afraid of you. I am afraid of him. I am afraid of you because of him. He took my broken heart and mended it, and for a second it felt great, and then that second was gone. He broke it worse than before he mended it. Leaving me with little pieces and little trust. And so to my best friend I lean. But not for long. For he took the little pieces and burned what was left. And so here I am alone. I turned it off. I can't love, I can't care, and I can't cry. Alone and numb. There is nothing left of the girl I used to be. Just loneliness. So don't be mad that I am afraid of you. It is his fault. I am afraid.
Dear You,
I am afraid of you. I am afraid of him. I am afraid of you because of him. He took my broken heart and mended it, and for a second it felt great, and then that second was gone. He broke it worse than before he mended it. Leaving me with little pieces and little trust. And so to my best friend I lean. But not for long. For he took the little pieces and burned what was left. And so here I am alone. I turned it off. I can't love, I can't care, and I can't cry. Alone and numb. There is nothing left of the girl I used to be. Just loneliness. So don't be mad that I am afraid of you. It is his fault. I am afraid.
Ashamed.
Dear You,
Nobody knows that I am ashamed of who I am. People walk around and talk about me coming up with all these theories of why I am the way I am. They post it on my Facebook, they text it to me, they leave me. But what they don't know is, I am ashamed of it all. I'm ashamed that I am not who I want to be and that I am not who they thought I was before. I am ashamed that I changed, that I became depressed. I am ashamed that every damn day is an even harder struggle for me. They don't know that it is hard for me to even get out of bed in the morning. They don't know that I lay awake all night long thinking about it. They don't know how much I regret my mistakes. I am ashamed that I have lost so many important people. I am ashamed that I have lost myself. I am ashamed of who I am.
Dear You,
Nobody knows that I am ashamed of who I am. People walk around and talk about me coming up with all these theories of why I am the way I am. They post it on my Facebook, they text it to me, they leave me. But what they don't know is, I am ashamed of it all. I'm ashamed that I am not who I want to be and that I am not who they thought I was before. I am ashamed that I changed, that I became depressed. I am ashamed that every damn day is an even harder struggle for me. They don't know that it is hard for me to even get out of bed in the morning. They don't know that I lay awake all night long thinking about it. They don't know how much I regret my mistakes. I am ashamed that I have lost so many important people. I am ashamed that I have lost myself. I am ashamed of who I am.
Desires.
Dear You,
Desires are everything. They are what define us as who we are and who we want to become. But what do you become when there is no desire? No energy or fire fueling desire. You get nothing. You get an empty question mark as of what you are and what your future holds. I am that empty question mark. I desire not to fall in love, to have a family, a job, and a house. I don't desire that standard life. I don't desire to make friends or to have lots of money. All I desire is to accept that past and free myself of the terrifying fear of it all happening again. So what do you do when you have no desire? Who are you? The truth is, I don't know who I am.
Dear You,
Desires are everything. They are what define us as who we are and who we want to become. But what do you become when there is no desire? No energy or fire fueling desire. You get nothing. You get an empty question mark as of what you are and what your future holds. I am that empty question mark. I desire not to fall in love, to have a family, a job, and a house. I don't desire that standard life. I don't desire to make friends or to have lots of money. All I desire is to accept that past and free myself of the terrifying fear of it all happening again. So what do you do when you have no desire? Who are you? The truth is, I don't know who I am.
Monday, January 13, 2014
Hole hearted
Dear You,
No one can ever truly complete your heart. At least I think so. There is a certain point where you have to complete it yourself, make yourself happy. Their is a tiny piece in all of us that is terrified of losing that person, or that they could hurt you. A lot of sick things happen in our race and the truth of it is you will never really KNOW someone. You don't know everything that has happened in their life, you don't know how things make them think or feel. You don't know if the person you know is only a mask. And you certainly don't know if they are going to change. A split second can change everything. Therefore I think that our heart can never truly be complete. There is a hole in all of us that cannot be filled. 💔
Dear You,
No one can ever truly complete your heart. At least I think so. There is a certain point where you have to complete it yourself, make yourself happy. Their is a tiny piece in all of us that is terrified of losing that person, or that they could hurt you. A lot of sick things happen in our race and the truth of it is you will never really KNOW someone. You don't know everything that has happened in their life, you don't know how things make them think or feel. You don't know if the person you know is only a mask. And you certainly don't know if they are going to change. A split second can change everything. Therefore I think that our heart can never truly be complete. There is a hole in all of us that cannot be filled. 💔
Sunday, January 12, 2014
Organic
Dear You,
What do you think of when you hear the word organic? I think or simplicity. Purity. Organic to me means that something is in its untouched, raw, original state. Without all of the fabrications that we as humans think we must add to everything. Why do we have this need to make everything better? Why can it not just be simple and beautiful the way it is? This desire for perfection is what drives us to force these fabrications that set impossible standards that are unrealistic and baffling. I am truly disgusted by humans these days. Let`s go back to the innocence. The organics of it all.
Dear You,
What do you think of when you hear the word organic? I think or simplicity. Purity. Organic to me means that something is in its untouched, raw, original state. Without all of the fabrications that we as humans think we must add to everything. Why do we have this need to make everything better? Why can it not just be simple and beautiful the way it is? This desire for perfection is what drives us to force these fabrications that set impossible standards that are unrealistic and baffling. I am truly disgusted by humans these days. Let`s go back to the innocence. The organics of it all.
Saturday, January 11, 2014
Losing Demons
Dear You,
It`s hard to get real when you can`t face reality. It`s even harder when it is all real inside of you but you just keep pushing it away. That`s not how life works, you can`t just push your hurt and problems away. Maybe it will make it better for a little while but it isn`t real and it wont last. it will consume you and make you numb and empty. you want to find a reason, something that makes you feel again. but to feel means to face all of the demons youve been avoiding. It`s hard to know if you are strong enough to fight through those demons to get to the happiness you want to feel. it`s scary. No it`s terrifying. I am concious of the demons I push away and yet i am so good at pushing it away that i can`t figure out if i am getting better or if i am at my worst and just ignoring the pain. Because right now I can`t feel. There is pain and there is happiness but it is a masked numb version that gives me barely a taste of either. I am fed up with not being able to figure it out because if I can`t figure myself out, no one can. Mostly because there is no one close enough to try. Which is partly my fault for not letting anyone in. But I can`t. It hurts when EVERYTHING YOU CARED THE MOST ABOUT IS TORN AWAY FROM YOU. Losing someone that means more than life itself to you is like losing life itself. Almost like there is nothing left to live for. Kind of lost.
Dear You,
It`s hard to get real when you can`t face reality. It`s even harder when it is all real inside of you but you just keep pushing it away. That`s not how life works, you can`t just push your hurt and problems away. Maybe it will make it better for a little while but it isn`t real and it wont last. it will consume you and make you numb and empty. you want to find a reason, something that makes you feel again. but to feel means to face all of the demons youve been avoiding. It`s hard to know if you are strong enough to fight through those demons to get to the happiness you want to feel. it`s scary. No it`s terrifying. I am concious of the demons I push away and yet i am so good at pushing it away that i can`t figure out if i am getting better or if i am at my worst and just ignoring the pain. Because right now I can`t feel. There is pain and there is happiness but it is a masked numb version that gives me barely a taste of either. I am fed up with not being able to figure it out because if I can`t figure myself out, no one can. Mostly because there is no one close enough to try. Which is partly my fault for not letting anyone in. But I can`t. It hurts when EVERYTHING YOU CARED THE MOST ABOUT IS TORN AWAY FROM YOU. Losing someone that means more than life itself to you is like losing life itself. Almost like there is nothing left to live for. Kind of lost.
Serious Fatigue
Dear You,
Often times when you ask someone "How are you today?" you get the reply "Tired" but when I say I`m tired, it is not the typical "I stayed up too late playing video games". When I am tired it is not so much that I am too tired to function, I am mentally aware of everything and fully ready for the day, but physically I am exhausted. I can`t stay awake through anything that I have to sit during longer than 30 minutes, I just feel very physically weak. I have big dreams and ambitions but the energy is not there. Maybe I am just not healthy enough. I don't know. Maybe its because there is a lingering piece of the depression that haunts me. My past is a beautiful but torturous memory that I cannot seem to let go of. It makes it hard to move forward with my future. I have no idea how to get rid of this lack of energy. I am all out of ideas but I am determined to get out of this rut.
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