Losing Demons

Dear You,
                    It`s hard to get real when you can`t face reality. It`s even harder when it is all real inside of you but you just keep pushing it away. That`s not how life works, you can`t just push your hurt and problems away. Maybe it will make it better for a little while but it isn`t real and it wont last. it will consume you and make you numb and empty. you want to find a reason, something that makes you feel again. but to feel means to face all of the demons youve been avoiding. It`s hard to know if you are strong enough to fight through those demons to get to the happiness you want to feel. it`s scary. No it`s terrifying. I am concious of the demons I push away and yet i am so good at pushing it away that i can`t figure out if i am getting better or if i am at my worst and just ignoring the pain. Because right now I can`t feel. There is pain and there is happiness but it is a masked numb version that gives me barely a taste of either. I am fed up with not being able to figure it  out because if I can`t figure myself out, no one can. Mostly because there is no one close enough to try. Which is partly my fault for not letting anyone in. But I can`t. It hurts when EVERYTHING YOU CARED THE MOST ABOUT IS TORN AWAY FROM YOU. Losing someone that means more than life itself to you is like losing life itself. Almost like there is nothing left to live for. Kind of lost.